Work was slow today so naturally my mind drifted to Mario Kart. I’ve always loved the Mario Kart games, but for my money Mario Kart 8 Deluxe is the new gold standard for the entire kart-racing genre. It just FEELS SO GOOD to drive these goofy little contraptions around and blow up your friends in psychedelic cartoon worlds.

Booster Course Pack Wave 5 just dropped this week and I’m loving this shit. Squeaky Clean Sprint?! KAMEK?!

This unholy union?!

Of course as awesome as this stuff is, I can’t help but think about that one last wave of goodies we’re getting at the end of the year. At the very least we know we’re getting two new drivers and 8 new-old courses (with 1 or 2 possibly being brand new), but at this point Nintendo hasn’t announced any specifics.

It’s fun to guess and speculate though! Since we’re only guaranteed 2 new drivers (and there’s a smaller pool to pull from), I started there.

Prior to the Booster Course Packs adding Birdo, Kamek, Wiggler, and Petey Piranha (all drivers who have appeared in previous MKs), Nintendo added guest characters from non-Mario series like Link, Splatoon Girl, and Isabelle. While it’s POSSIBLE they could hit us with someone brand new and/or from a different series, I’m thinking it’s more likely they’ll pull these last 2 drivers from the existing Kartiverse.

With that in mind, here are the standout possibilities from previous Karts:

DIDDY KONG
in Double-Dash!!, Wii, Tour
Iconic sidekick/costar of Donkey Kong Country series, and three-time karter (not to mention headlining his OWN kart games). On one hand it’s fuckin’ crazy to me that he’s not already in here, but on the other hand if I can only pick one more Kong, I’d rather have Funky or Dixie 😬sorry didds

HAMMER BRO
in Tour
I like Hammer Bros, I’ve always thought of them as Bowser’s elite goon squad–hammers hurt and their helmets are dope. On the flipside we already have Koopa-Troopa, Lakitu, Dry Bones, and Kamek, plus 9 Bowser-flavored Koopas. We might already be over koopacity.

MONTY MOLE
in Tour
This is some goofy left-field shit that I am absolutely into. Not my first choice, but funny, cute and strange enough to be worth it. He a mole driving a car

PEACHETTE
in Tour
So even though this looks exactly like Peach in a slightly goofier outfit, it’s actually Toadette in a powered-up form from New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe.. Identity theft is a crime, Toadette.

PAULINE
in Tour
Mario’s original damsel in distress, Pauline debuted way back on the original Donkey Kong arcade cabinet, but also had a major role in Super Mario Odyssey on the Switch (plus a bunch of handheld DK games in-between). Glamorous singing mayor-lady, cool! Why the fuck not! We better get a New Donk City track if she’s added tho

KITSUNE LUIGI
in Tour
Look I know I gave Peachette a lot of shit for being an obscure power-up (this one hailing from Super Mario 3D Land and World), but at least we can tell this is still Luigi! Plus it’d complement Tanooki Mario and Cat Peach REAL nice. Let me have this. Luigi needs a win. It’s not a furry thing (not that there’s anything wrong with that!).

POOCHY
in Tour
This fuckin’ guy. I still have acid flashbacks to his levels in Yoshi’s Island. Still tho, big ol’ dog-thing driving car is hilarious, I’d sign off on his goofy ass.

FUNKY KONG
in Wii, Tour
Finally, another prospect with more than Tour on his Karting resume. Funky Kong fuckin’ rules. DKC’s resident gearhead, party animal, and big lovable himbo dumbass, this dude gotta come back. Non-negotiable. HE WEARS JORTS… WITH A BELT

DIXIE KONG
in Tour
The other coolest Kong. Probably technically cooler than Funky. It’d be crazy if both new characters were Kongs, but if they were Funky and Dixie I would shit my pants with joy. Dixie’s badass.

NABBIT
in Tour
This would make sense, but I would also be like “sure why not.” Shitty little thieving rabbit-man is fine. Is anyone clamoring for this? No judgement, just curiosity. I got kind of sick of the New Super Mario Bros. series, but I don’t speak for the whole fuckin’ world.

KING BOB-OMB
in Tour
HAHAHA YES!!! BIG DUMB ORB MUSTACHE CROWN MAN. I also lost my shit when he showed up in the Mario movie. If B-list bosses like Petey Piranha and King Boo get to drive, let this big fancy idiot. He probably accidentally explodes like a dingaling when he doesn’t win.

MEOWSER
in Tour
Like Kitsune Luigi, this would be a nice complement to Tanooki Mario and Cat Peach, but we already have Bowser Classic, Jr., Dry, and his 7 delightful little punkass shithead kids. Meowser does benefit from reminding me of Kintaro, from my OTHER favorite game series with the initials “MK”:

CHARGIN’ CHUCK
in Tour
A different listicle already mentioned his fucking awesome-ass burger’n’fries mobile being the best part of him. I’m trying not to accidentally rip off that listicle COMPLETELY, but I might have. Sorry. I think it was on Hard Times/Hard Drive? CC’s beefiness and sporty theming could save him from being another face in the Koopa Krowd, but he’s not my first draft pick.

CAPTAIN TOAD
in Tour
I’m all over the place on this one. El Capitano has his own spin-off games–that’s pretty legit! But he’s just Toad with some different clothes on… but so is Metal Mario and Cat Peach! Do we need a third Toad? If he’s a higher weight class because of his gear, then maybe!

HONEY QUEEN
in MK7
Aww, remember Super Mario Galaxy?! I like when lady-characters get to be something besides “skinny human princess.” If fricking Petey Piranha can race again, so can this big ol’ bee!

PARATROOPA
in MKDD!!
Ah, our millionth Koopa! Jokes aside, since Paratroopa has ONLY been in Double Dash!! (the one where every driver needed an obvious partner), I bet he’s a major longshot. Kamek, Wiggler, and Petey Piranha were all in Tour, so I’m inclined to think Nintendo will be pulling from the Tour roster. But who the hell knows! Here are some other (unlikely) prospects.

R.O.B.
in MKDS
Between this and his playable debut in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, R.O.B., the (in)famous robot peripheral for the NES/Famicom, was having a little moment in the 2000s. A wave of 1980s nostalgia or a 20th anniversary celebration, maybe? I’m not expecting him to come back again after almost ANOTHER 20 years (Jesus Christ), but I love his kart that makes it look like he has little legs.

PAC-MAN AND OTHER WEIRDOS FROM THE ARCADE COLLABORATION WITH NAMCO
in Mario Kart Arcade GP, Arcade GP2, and Arcade GP DX
Again, non-Tour to me says longshot, but fuck it would be weird and cool to play as Ms. Pac-Man, Blinky the ghost, one of the Tamagotchis and a happy little arcade drum also made the cut!

Mametchi aka The Cooler Nabbit.

OK he’s actually a BIG, SASSY cartoon drum. Still cute. Crazy that the Prince from the Katamari games wasn’t playable in these, IMO he’d be perfect and have a deliciously funky, knobby kartamari.

I set up a poll over on Tumblr–click here if you’d like to vote or just to see who the Tumblrverse wants next. I get all crazy for Mario Kart.